Loneliness

Written July 2016
published August 2019

Loneliness! Loneliness !! why do I feel you?  You're like a poison. With you, many have fallen off the cliff and got hurt so badly. Hurting of the heart, serious hurtful feeling.

Loneliness is described by the English Dictionary as a moment of solitude, being detached from others, isolation or lonesomeness.

Loneliness have led many into alcoholism, sexual romps, anger, depression, anxiety, you name them.
Loneliness! Loneliness!! Loneliness!!! You're so poisonous.

Sometimes in life, one is filled with the feeling of loneliness, especially if you're single and all your friends no longer keep in contact due to family commitments.
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Sometimes, I'm filled with the sort of rushing emotions that makes me crave companionship. I often feel alone in my flat. Other times, I'm content with the quietness of my surrounding. The moment of solitude fills the atmosphere and I love it.  For starters, quietness allows reflective moments and if you're good at meditating or praying, welcome to my world.

Of course you cannot eat your cake and have it, as the saying goes, therefore you must give in to earn another. I always recall the voice of my sister 'you're not alone, God is with you'. So true, however one must have great faith to believe this also being mature does help.  I'm a woman of faith and this has worked for me. On the other hand, humanly speaking, I must confess, I sometimes drift and worry about being lonely and what the future holds. I do think, God himself also understands our feelings.

Tonight was one of those nights when I craved the presence of a lover, not for anything serious really, rather being cuddled, having the loving warmth arms of a man around me... oh how good and soothing that would be.

It's not that often that I feel this way. Tonight hmm. ... I'm thinking about an imaginary lover who could knock on the door... where are you my lover.. I await your presence. Come on in.

Loneliness, makes you think you're all alone in the world.
Loneliness has pushed many a soul into taking irrational actions and decisions they would normally shy away from.
I've heard friends say to me.. 'I got married to avoid being lonely'. 'You must get yourself a man for companionship' and so on. 
Then I ask myself , must I be married to fill the void in my life? Must I be in an unloved relationship to accomplish the desire that I crave for. I must be out of my cognitive reasoning if I should heed to societal and cultural pressures. I must be unreasonable to myself should I concede to cultural norms. Imagine how unrealistic the arrangement would be should I force myself into the unloved arms of a man for the simple reason of filling a vacuum in my life.  Then I made a decision to be happy, yes that is it. Happiness is the key and resolution of my feeling of loneliness.

What next? Surely there must be something that could be done...

I must get myself a man/lover and of course continue to pray for the right man to come my way and fill the void in my beautiful life.

I made a decision to remain happy within myself.
A man will come at the appointed time, however, never would I allow myself to be used by any unscrupulous entity.

Bleeding Heart - Message to Alcohol

Message to Alcohol

Alcohol, Alcohol, alcohol, how I hate you !!!!!

You manipulator, inventor of disaster in human body. You wicked spirit and thoughtless destroyer.  I curse you with every breath that comes out my being. Am I sounding harsh to alcohol?  Please do not blame me. Just venting my anger and frustration on this terrible destroyer called alcohol.

You alcohol who decided to make my brother's body and those of others your place of abode, I resent you and command you to take your leave.
Depart, depart, depart and never return. You have no right to destroy peoples' lives and think you can get away with it.

You might say that you never coerce people to indulge in you, however, it is you who present such an unquenchable tastes, desire and thirsts for you.  Of course, one reaches out to you when in a vulnerable state, you prey on the weak-minded and spiritually low, the broken hearts, you know when to strike.  They reach out  to you alcohol at the loss of employment, relationship breakdown,  divorce, when they are emotionally down, the powerless and trashed, you take advantage of their circumstances.  You present yourself in such a deceitful manner, once tasted, oh wow, that first taste once gulped, there's no stopping.
For some, once they've tasted you, they keep turning to the bottle until they find themselves in a state of stupor. Ah!! you evil destroyer!! Will you ever stop the torment?


God made the vine of the earth to produce wine for his children to enjoy, not to be intoxicated by it. "And do not get drunk with wine, for it is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit" Ephesians 5:18.
Again, in the Gospels we read how Jesus turned several gallons of water into the finest wine at the wedding at Canaan. The Bible did not record the guests being drunk. So why would one want to be in an unrecognisable state both physically and mentally?


@madonnaeverest
#madonnaeverest

Bleeding Heart 2 - #Alcoholism

Bleeding Heart 2

My sister repeated crying her eyes out... 'I can't stand this anymore' She said tearfully.

What about the time he'd been locked up in police custody, times he'd been picked/found sleeping rough by the road side, under the bridge and the times he fell into the gutter. Oh alcohol! You terrible affliction!!! How I hate you!!!!

On this particular day, the police had attended the property, they reported Uzo was in custody due to an assault on a woman. Apparently, he had not paid for the drink he bought from this lady and whatever else that transpired between them at the time was a story, which led to his being put in police custody.  He was bailed out by the younger brother Alex who was too embarrassed by the sight of him before. Uzo presented with a broken head and a smashed up and bloody face, very sad to behold. No wonder Alex was too ashamed of him.

Alcohol addiction, a terrible disease

Alcohol is an illness that has destroyed many a home, persons and relationships. It permeates deeply into the skin, right into the blood streams.  It affects the whole system, body, family, etc. The individual does not suffer solely, in fact, the entire system suffers, friends and everyone. The system goes through such an enduring lengthy period, in silence and often results in verbal altercation, especially voiced out of anger, pity and frustration for the afflicted member. It is an illness that destroys love and tends to pull out hidden emotions from the whole system when the situation can no longer be tolerated.   

Addiction to alcohol has hit my family immensely, It has set my brother backwards, for two decades.

Just recently, I begged God to please take his life should he continues to indulge.  But hey, I thought aloud, why should I think in this manner of my beloved brother, I do not own life, so why should I request so from God.

Problems and Impact of alcoholism on families

My BA(Hons) Social Work Degree Dissertation looked at the impact of parental drug/alcohol misuse on the psychological development and welfare of children from birth to age 8.

In the study, I explored children's perspective of their parents' drug/alcohol misuse, the parenting capacity and family, parents or carers' engagement with drug/alcohol services and influence of professional support to non-engaging parents. 


I was able to make a link between cognition and its relationship with the functional abilities of an addict be it drug or any substance of that matter.  

'Cognitive development relates to the intellectual processes of gaining, storing, recalling and using information. It also involves, how we think, perceive things around us, which is also about the ability to identify the difference between objects or sounds.  Cognitive development is also about language, reasoning/problem solving, understanding concepts, memory concentration, imagination and creativity (Kamen, 2000; Wilson, et al, (2008). In other words, it centres on how individuals are able to mentally transform words that are received and how they are managed. (Culled from Dissertation literature Review 2011: Madonna Nwaohiri).

• Neglect of important duties: Alcohol impairs one’s cognitive functions and physical capabilities, and this, at some point, will likely result in neglect of responsibilities associated with work, home life, and/or school.

This is so correct, Uzo has lost a number of jobs due to alcoholism.  He is so intelligent that and able to get into any employment, however unable to retain jobs. How many employers condones drunkenness at work places? So there you go.. His is a typical example. Home life? Research shows that many alcohol addicts have lost their children and relationships as a result of over-indulging in alcohol. in my profession, I've managed cases of such. I've friends who have suffered domestic abuse due to partner engagement with alcohol. It is a sad, sad story. Children suffer the more as they are the most vulnerable. Boys and girls have different means of tolerance and resilience. 

Fraser et al., (2009) invited children to draw pictures of important people in their lives, and also pictures that illustrated their experience of their parents’ drinking and/or drug use.  Discussions were held afterwards to clarify the images they presented in their drawings and how they could be supported. A semi-structured interviews schedule was used to engage parents and carers.  The study focused on questions about family structure, parents’ previous and current substance use, and its impact on children and family life.  Other questions included the support services received by families, parents’ safe-keeping of drugs, and also the children’s understandings of their parents/carers substance use. 

Fraser et al., (2009) found that out of the eight children interviewed, all except the youngest had knowledge of parental drug/alcohol use and its impact on family life. Whilst some of the children were critical of their parents’ drug or alcohol misuse, others however, minimised the impact and were more protective of their parents' drug/alcohol use, and opposed to their parents’ drug/alcohol use.  For some children, they wanted their parents to stop their drug/alcohol use and were pleased when they did. 

My friend's children would openly express to their mother how they wished 'daddy would stop drinking so he can play with us as before'. They wanted daddy to stop drinking so he they can be a happy family once again.  The children craved to have a functional, normal family. They would like daddy to turn up at their school sober, clean and not in an embarrassing state of mind. One could envisage these young children's mindset of a dysfunctional family like theirs. They have protected mummy many times from daddy's punches and shouting. They eagerly wished for a once more happy family, but if only daddy could stop drinking.

The oldest for the three children, Ben, had at age 9 started externalising his feelings of daddy's rants and presentations of alcohol abuse. He had endured enough and expressed his hurting emotions by biting his thump to a point whereby it started bleeding.  A behaviour that was observed by an observant teacher.  You see, boys would first internalise their emotions, (as it is a well known fact that boys do not share emotions) but gradually present with aggressive emotions to show how bad things are at home.  The signs are not easily recognised, but could be expressed in a subtle way which is often overlooked by parents/guardians. I think parents and guardians are to show particular attention to changes in their children's presentations. for example, have they suddenly become withdrawn from their usual selves? talk to them, ask questions if worried. Do they sulk, lash out or act out without reasons. These are signs of emotional disconnectedness. 

The genesis of Uzo's alcohol abuse is yet to be identified. Uzo, like I said had a wonderful childhood, however something must have gone wrong along the way which would have gone unnoticed by the parents. Anything could have triggered his drinking habit, however what I'm certain of is that it was an adult indulgence. The Uzo that I know hated the smell of alcohol.  Retrospectively thinking, I am certain it may have been a long term internalised emotional outburst. Or what should I say or have it explained, if not that.  On a second thought, I believe this could have emanated from the negative responses from the community and family members who saw him as a threat.  Uzo has great talents, such as music, angelic voice, dance steps, acting skills, etc. He lacked motivation, encouragement, praise, rather he received negative views from those he trusted and looked up to.  

• Needing time to nurse hangovers: Alcohol has various short-term side effects, such as hangovers. The physical state of a hangover may be temporary, but it can significantly disrupt a person’s ability to meet commitments as well as invite unhealthy behaviours such as poor eating and a lack of exercise.

Yes, this is a fact.  Uzo my dearest wakes up late mornings often with blood-shot eyes, headaches and dizziness.  Glasses of water is usually the remedy.  Mum learned to give him lots and lots of water on seeing his sorry state.  I guess water helps flush out his system.  I often wondered how an addict could function without food, but prefers to feed the stomach with bottles of alcohol and yet gets satisfied. 

Lost of appetite is a big factor, Uzo prefers to have a bottle of drink as opposed to food.  He likes his meat, though.  We often joke about this at home, on how his wife buys him over with  a meal of roasted chicken. 

• Encountering legal problems: Drinking can increase a person’s likelihood of getting into fights, displaying disorderly conduct in public, driving under the influence, and becoming involved in domestic disputes or violence.

As mentioned above, Uzo always finds himself either being attacked or in police custody for none payment of drinks he had consumed. Once at home, he had smashed up bottles and doors out of anger and anxiety of being cautioned for his bad behaviour or for not receiving money when demanded.  What about those unforgettable times of shouting and banging on doors late at night and keeping the family awake?  Our parents' bedroom door was fitted with special iron bars in order to protect them from Uzo's attacks, as he had smashed the door with an machete. My parents lived in fear and often anxious, not knowing what awaits them next, due to Uzo's irrational and obnoxious behaviour. 
  
Uzo, I vividly recall in particular, when Uzo would approach us the siblings with harsh words, in drunken state, ordering us to leave the house stating: 'to your tents Oh Israel'. My dearest beloved brother, it has been a journey filled with anguish, but in all these situation and torments, God has been present and never forsaken the family.  Papa and mama bore it all, with faith and trust in God.  Their faith was never broken or shaken by Uzo's behaviour. 

• The inability to stop at will: Alcohol is an addictive substance and can lead to physical dependence. Although a person who is physically dependent (i.e., has an increased tolerance among other side effects) is not necessarily addicted, ongoing drinking is a slippery slope that can lead to addiction.

There is often a high tendency of self-denial. www.americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism 

One of the difficulties the family encountered and experienced in regards to Uzo's substance misuse is his self-denial and lack of responsibility. Uzo never accepted the fact that he was physically dependent on alcohol to function. He gradually became disorientated after drinking.  His functional abilities over the years were hugely based on the shots of the local (ogogoro) gin he gulped early in the morning. As early as 06:00 am, Uzo would be the first the rise. open the gates and off he went to the local kiosk.  For him, it was mandatory, a habit he maintained religiously as though his life depended on it.  Oh' alcohol, what damage have you not caused to many a soul.

Bleeding Heart 1 - #Alcoholism

Bleeding heart!!!!!!
Thoughts from 20th October 2012

Alcohol addiction 

Feeling very much weighed down, low in mood lately by events.

You see, Uzo has a terrible addiction challenges, alcohol a disease that I have great hatred for.  He has been addicted to this disease as far back as I can recall, 1997 or thereabouts.

Prior to embarking on my European trip, I remember those days when my brother Uzo would stop by my office to request for money, 'sis, can you spare some wad please' . .. money which, I now found out he was spending on drinks.

Of course it all started like a gentle request for money for transport or whatever excuse he could come up with to fund his addiction.  I usually took pity on him knowing he was still job-hunting at the time, therefore there was no reason to doubt his requests.
The little signs weren't noticed, or rather we never paid any attention to them.  He was much loved and respected as a big brother.

Many years down the line, his decline became so rapid, everyone including my parents respected him. He is now termed a terror to all who have any contact with him.

I remember during my early years away, while on the phone with my siblings, how we would shed tears over the phone whilst listening to the loud voices in the background. 'What was that about? I asked.  'He's just got back in at 02:00am and he's broken the lamp' my sister reported in a broken tone.

Alcoholism has rooted deeply into people's lives. Alcohol addiction is an illness, a vampire, a rattle snack, when it bites, it eats so deep into the veins,, organs and affects physical, emotional and psychological health of one being afflicted.

............Bleeding Heart 2 explores impacts on the family systems, cognition, etc....

#madonnaeverest